Twenty Times Anxiety Ruined My Life.

1. Skipping Birthday Parties
2. Have to miss the second and third day of junior year from a week-long anxiety attack
3. Spending every night from age 7 till now pondering life and everything that can go wrong instead of sleeping
4. Not being able to ride rollercoasters
5. Having to be 30 min early to everything to avoid being late
6. Making excuses to not hang out because my anxiety was at a high
7. Skipping school
8. Not being able to apply for different jobs for fear of rejection
9. Presenting in class
10. Talking to people and constantly wondering if they are judging me
11. Sharing my faith and fearing consequence
12. Being anxious about driving because fear of accidents, death, and harming someone else
13. Having to constantly check me in the mirror to make sure I look okay so no one will pass judgment
14. Having to leave work early because an anxiety attack wouldn’t subside
15. Not being able to focus in class because the night before anxiety attacks would wake me out of my sleep
16. Having digestive problems due to anxiety
17. Having an issue with not eating / binge eating due to anxiety
18. Having to constantly tap something or move to keep my mind busy with other things
19. Sacrificing schools I wanted to go to because I was afraid of having too much anxiety and being that far away from home
20. Never being able to enjoy anything to the fullest because even good days overwhelm my brain and send me into an attack no matter how amazing the day was.

Trust me when I say this list continues for miles but also trust me when I say there is help out there. God never forsakes us and even tells us to cast our anxieties on him, so I do. Having this mental disorder is not easy and it is something I will have for the rest of my life but I know I have the Lord with me every step of the way.

G.A.D

Do you know what those letters stand for? They stand for  “Generalized Anxiety Disorder.”  The textbook definition is “Severe, ongoing anxiety that interferes with daily activities (Mayo Clinic).” Before we get more in depth, what exactly is just “anxiety”? Well, Anxiety is A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities (Mayo Clinic). This disorder is studied by psychologist and proven to be a disorder. The symptoms include

• Pain areas: in the back
• Whole body: fatigue, lightheadedness, restlessness, or sweating
• Psychological: severe anxiety, fear, or repeatedly going over thoughts
• Behavioral: hyper-vigilance or irritability
• Cognitive: lack of concentration or unwanted thoughts
• Also common: emotional distress, excessive worry, difficulty falling asleep, headache, nausea, sensation of an abnormal heartbeat, or trembling

Some may be asking why I am writing about this and it’s simply because I, unfortunately, suffer from it. Every minuet of everyday I am suffering.  This mental illness is not something people can always see or witness so they can easily write it off as not existing. Iv been told its “all in your head”. . . and yes it is. That’s exactly the problem. I can’t get a new brain or nervous system. I have what God gave me and I have to push through it every single day and it is not easy at all. I have anxiety attacks in my sleep, I get overwhelmed by the simplest stuff, I can’t enjoy things like everyone else because my brain always goes to worse case scenario. Having to turn down birthday parties and team bonding events because social anxiety gets in the way. Having to hide in the bathroom at work and cry and hyperventilate for 3o minuets because I can’t handle the atmosphere. Even presenting in class seems like torture. I am hardly ever at peace with myself. Constant nail biting, hair twirling, readjusting, making sure I look okay because God Forbid someone says something about the way I look.  I can be having a great day until someone doesn’t open a text message and my brain immediately tells me that person doesn’t like.. that I am not good enough.. that Im worthless. Anxiety is not just nervousness. It is so much more. It’s crying, trouble breathing, stomach pains, shaking, and begging God to take this disorder away from me.

I know that there are going to be ignorant people in this world who do not understand and refuse to believe this disorder is real but let me tell you it is. Please do the world a favor if you do not have a psych degree or suffer from mental health issues… watch what you say. It is hurtful and makes us anxiety people, feel beneath you. I want nothing more than to live in a world where my anxiety is considered a valid excuse to not show up for work or school. I want treatment to not be seen like it is only meant for “crazy” people. Mental disorders are very very real and just because we can’t see them does not mean we can brush them off. Anxiety Disorder is something that I ask all of you to take the time and research and educate yourselves on.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and be understanding. I hope by that opening myself up to people, we can learn something or two about mental illness and take a stance together to end the stigma. Lots of love – Lex.